she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Houston, we have a squirter
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
