I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
