I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
God, I missed his penis.
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