If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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