when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Randomize
