My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
