he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
