dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
