no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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