Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
