Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
