Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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