Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
