hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I seem to have left my pride at pride
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
