my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
