the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
