I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
