I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
