mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I understand Curling. That high.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
