my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize