I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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