I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
