do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
