If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize