I think i peed on brittanys purse
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i will never coherently bang her
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
