9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
