i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
