She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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