the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
