FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
