On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
