I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
