Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
