genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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