yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
