if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
