He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
