I smell stomach acid.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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