I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
