i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
