Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
