my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
