Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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