if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
