Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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