Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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