On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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