everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
