did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
