You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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