fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
