Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
