Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
