I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
