There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
