I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize