so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
