dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
