It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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