There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
