hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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