it was like eating out sand paper
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
