He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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