just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
