She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
