Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
