I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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