omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
