I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
