This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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