i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
