i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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