I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
